What to expect from my electrochemical roller coaster

Manic Phase:

cognitive chaos, tangential thinking, bad memory, detaching from self, slight visual & tactile hallucinations, loss fine muscular control, can’t plan or complete simple tasks, gambling with sharing delusions & triggering increse to emotional turmoil
Best Strategy: Stop everything, focus on breathing, take medications & stabilize in a safe surrounding, If losing control of reality, accept temporary hospitalization.

Depressive phase:

the little things aren’t as they should be! Brain does “psychotic” neurochemistry, cognitive lethargy, no desire for pleasure, reward or social contact, then comes the psychotic jolts, like badly waking up from the perfect dream, might also be “falling in dreamland! Waking up into pure fear, terrorized by falling towards death in real life!” these kinds of jolts are burst hallucinations, repeatedly over time taking away the will to live, each time & intense fear & gut feeling of reality having changed, memory is different, reality cannot be trusted, delusion of having jumped to another almost identical universe

best strategy: explore rational truths instead obsessing over conflicting details, focusing on self & the present, habits of self care & satisfaction of desires, the little things are key

hypomanic mood:

Hypomania is the Dollar Store version of Super Powers!

in my psychotic opinion i love this state of my mental disorder!
similar to manic, weaker symptoms, very specific behaviours, extreme energy & focus, able to realize a huge amount tasks at a very fast pace.

As a favorite strategy, sublimate positive symptoms into creative activities, creating habits managing their own symptoms.create delusions at will, learning new skills instantaneously, being able to coherently write in an unique introspective way, with this story being just a small fragment illuminating the internal universe of schizoaffective delusions escaping into digital reality.

delusional favorite: 
believing i’m heterosexual, just a delusional alpha male. Submitting as public social failure, HRT ruining my worth as a man, made to look like a female, toxic manhoods worst punishment cliche! Invalidating my transition, completely disregarding my identity, self image & social role. rejecting every scientific fact about the gender spectrum. This delusion is anchored deep within my teenage traumas implanted by mobs & bullies during high school.

Tangential thoughts i wish to share to add some psychotic depth

Treating Schizoaffective disorders by sedating symptoms & shutting down brain regions may help some but worsen others. Because psychotic & bipolar spectrums are shifting codependently combining symptoms with all kinds of variations over years of treatment.

Mental Health Education is absolute key for ensuring successful & lasting recoveries

My psychiatrist guided my mental health education, by researching & finding own answers about medications & therapies, understanding all details of my symptoms, supervised by several coworkers at same medical center, as a team testing & developing specific strategy for my mental needs, while helping me develop own treatments as a support mechanism, receiving “in case of emergency” only medication, being able to personally adjust medications.

Constantly sharing results regarding the personal effectiveness of treatments, tracking progress to continue improving upon direct trial & error results, solving clinical issues regarding every daily human aspect involved, feedback going both ways in a doctor-patient cooperation builds relationships making the prospect of lifelong therapeutic goals an achievable reality.

Superior Doctor imposes! Inferior patients unwillingly submits!

Detrimental for mental health,believing public media,urban legends, socially enforced cliches, stigmatizing any mental health problem as clinically insane, disorders only happens to failures, treating codesendingly as inferior, weak, incapable humans, automatically believed to be metally incapable of understanding or following textbook treatments, procedurally pumped full of recommended drugs & categorized into expectations, trapped by overconfident delusions from authoritarian mental health professionals, destroying doctor patient confidence & trust, turning therapy into an enslaving commitment, Patients of acute clinical cases are at the mercy of institutions, patients monetized to endure forced treatments after treatments after treatments, inflexible psychiatrists dismissing all patients attempting to develop own strategies losing all confidence in medicine, distrusting every medical treatment, ending with chances of losing all sight of actually recovery

Most ending with blaming categorically patients for not achieving the desired recovery goals set by delusionally overconfident mental health professionals.

The hidden psychosis: the alteration of emotional perceptions & responses to specific subjects defining the core self.

Worst case is suffering a severe psychotic depression powered by intense manic phases, most likely requiring hospitalization. imagine: Manic delusions, erratic behaviour, chaotic cognition, multiplied speed of thoughts, distorting time, lack of sleep, nuclear fuel of psychotic delusions & hallucinations which will underlines most depressive symptoms.

Possible Cognitive horrors

The lack of interest, isolation, daily routines, enthusiasm for self care turned to rebellion against body, antisocial behaviour, initially super inflating grandiosity to crash it into rock bottom, superior self worth & esteem transformed into self loathing & hate,worthlessness, guilt, very dark & extreme sexual fantasies while enjoying destructive & suicidal idealizations, pessimistic dystopian view of current society, hyper focused delusions of perfect death switches into an increasing desire to really plan, prepare & take the own life.

Its a cute trap in black laced stocking or the hot goth babe of darkness.

Its living hell, ultimate self destructive actions as punishment, it feels like overwhelming pleasure of being trapped in one thought, one single cascade of neurons away, eagerly looking for excuses to enable absolute enjoyment of sheer rage filled anger, the destruction of everything in such a precise way earning the highest amount of retributions, repercussions & punishments

I clearly remember how it was possible to shift out this chapter, of all things my brain made up over the years, my favorite will always be:

The Force is Real! Rage fueled Anger powers my Dark Side!

Can feel, see & use the iconic >[!!!UNLIMITED POWAAA!!!]< from Star Wars.

{don’t like SW but wanna know how my overlay of reality felt like?}

Gud! Gud!
Imagine reliving your worst Fears. Let the fear flow through you! Your Fears make you Angry! Feed Fears into Anger! Gud! Let the Anger flow through you! Feel your Anger desire to leash out in Rage! Use Force Focus channeling all Raging Anger into the tips of your fingers. With Passion & Raging Anger at your fingertips release absolute destruction by forcefully expelling absolute Hate into brutally violent & incredibly destructive attacks instantly obliterating everything in your path!

Simply? Hate until you literally shoot lightning from your fingers!

perfect configuration of symptoms granted me a delusion disguised as wish every fanatic would only desire to dream about. 
 A hallucinated memory of fully living in an universe where the Force from Star Wars is real! A clear memory experiencing the use of a super power! 
Gaining control over my disorder by actually channeling the release of pent up hate & anger with a delusion instead of an antisocial behaviour.

The hidden psychosis: the alteration of emotional perceptions & responses to specific subjects defining the core self.

manically writes True Story¬¬

Melkanea 
nyaaa ❤

Hypomania is like the Dollar Store version of super powers!

https://youtu.be/jMleT_rj0xY